Soul Accounting and My Rav, LARabbi™ Z"L

What a downer for the High Holy Days, huh?

Or maybe a reminder.

My last memories of my rav z"l are on the High Holy Days. At that time the California fires were burning so close you could see them on the horizon. Day and night. Helicopters, looking like mosquitoes, filled with water rather than with blood, disturbed the heavens. I mentioned the fires to him, and he replied, "It's the end of days." I said, "You're kidding, right? It's so Christian." He said, "No, I'm not; it is the end of days". 3 weeks later, he was gone.

This man, this erudite rabbi, had a family, had friends, had many worshippers- people who adored him. Had immense compassion, ongoing humour, kindness, concern, genius intellect, a love of words and fresh ideas, etc. etc. He was there for you. He was almost too good to be true. What makes a human being like that check out?

I don't know.

But his legacy is this: I know personally the devastation that he left in his wake. I know how his absence affects the practical aspects of my life (like references and aliyah). I know how he left behind many others just like me. I know that we never know what effect we may have on someone in the future, in those windows that we can't even begin to see through or fathom.

It rather irks me that I am accountable for the future; that maybe somewhere at one point, my being here matters for someone. Unless you are completely self-absorbed, just the notion that one matters, in the future, aborts all ideas about annihilation.
To me, it's even better than the threat of fire heck and Sheol. Or whatever people have fantasised about as punishment.

During this time of Elul, we are doing a soul accounting; well, I haven't really, because I'm just trying to save my life. Nevertheless, the wonder and vexation of the future is that you never know whom you may encounter that is touched by you, affected, or influenced. It is easy to shun most responsibilities in life, or even take on the more conventional ones with pride and feel good and say, "that's enough".

But who lives their lives for the sake of the future? Knowing that you may matter at the proper moment. That without you, a lot of things couldn't happen. Not out of pride, but out of responsibility. Out of command.

I know what happened with the removal of my rav's presence. His being had such power that it messed with the axis of the world. Scary, really, that kind of butterfly effect. Most of us never have that kind of impact. But then, you never know, do you?

If you feel remotely responsible for your behaviour and what happens to others... you just never know the magnitude of your being, here.